Addiction Relapse

A person who has addictions most often lacks self-esteem. Generally, although not always, this begins at childhood because of an abusive (and sometimes addict) parent. The young abused child will be drawn to the temptation of drugs and/or alcohol usually in the teen years in an effort to escape, numb, and block out their negative thoughts, insecurities, fears, and bad memories.

Soon after other issues will become a part of their life and patterns will form involving lying and denial so he can continue his addictions. One recovering addict said, "I realized I was in complete denial. I am tired of being seen as a liar. Memories of my distant past showed me I have been doing lies for a long time. I am worried about the real love I found with my new woman being lost and the lies controlling me and steering me away from this great love."

The addict's insecurities could increase to include a fear a love, feeling he does not deserve happiness and love, doubt, paranoia, lack of trust, selfishness, refusal to admit his addiction and to accept blame for his bad choices, fear of success, and a fear of failure. One recovering addict admitted to being afraid to try recovering again because he feared "failing" at it again. He did not understand that there is never any failure in effort and trying.

The addict will shut himself away in his self-made prison to be alone with his addiction and to endure the self-induced punishment he feels he deserves for his wrong choices. In doing so he will lose his friends, family, and loved ones. One addict said, "I was using my addiction like a wall nobody could break."

He will attract, and be drawn to, an "Enabler"; a person who will feed the addict's addictions and give him reasons to continue his addictions. The enabler will usually lack self-esteem as well, and may have been abused in his/her childhood also, so will feed the addict's addictions as a way to feel empowered thru controlling and abusing the addict. So the enabler will often use that as bait by convincing the addict that they need each other and should remain together.

The enabler might be a drug dealer, family member, or even a spouse. One addict had married a woman who had been a drug dealer because she supplied him with drugs, money, sex, and children as a way to control and keep him. The enabler will use whatever she finds is the addict's weakness. To keep him in her life she will use his addictions as tools to manipulate and control him.

One addict said, "In my twenties I had an affair with an older married woman. I was in my twenties and she knew I liked sex. She gave me money like a gigolo and she was a drug dealer. She ended up getting pregnant by me so she wanted me to marry her. She divorced her husband and I married her because I wanted to do 'the right thing'. If she had not gotten pregnant I would never have married her. After I got her pregnant she said I could not have sex with her again until I married her so I did, even though my mother did not approve of her. After we married she said to trust her that she knew how not to get pregnant. She watched her cycle instead of using birth control. But she kept getting pregnant so she had 3 children from me."

The enabler enjoys the feeling of empowerment thru controlling the addict and lowering his self-esteem, and the addict will willingly give her control and allow her to make all his choices in life so he can avoid blame and responsibility for his choices. This lifts his fear of failure. Instead he will blame her and she will blame him. He will allow her to play the parental role, punishing him when he feels "bad", which the enabler will use to control and keep the addict.

The addict will also behave like a rebellious child purposely in a desperate attempt to get attention and a false sense of "love" from the enabler. One addict who admitted to doing this said, "Even bad attention is still attention.". Another addict who had recovered from his "mommy addiction" said, "I would rebel and hope my wife would leave me so I would want her back more." He admitted liking the challenge but after years of marriage he said he missed having freedom and making his own choices in his life so he divorced his controlling "mommy" wife. Another addict who had recovered from an eating disorder said, "A grown man who behaves like a rebellious child in public, (such as in movie theatres and on buses and trains) obviously has addictions because an addict will do this to increase the endorphin rush to the brain and will feel the need to top it more so each time (similar to needing stronger marijuana)."

One recovered alcoholic in his 70's said, "This partnership of addict and enabler will feed off of each other's negative energy."

They will fight often and escalate the arguments into major fights to justify feeding the addiction and so needing each other to continue this cycle of abuse and addiction. To remain with his enabler he has an excuse to do his addictions because of the abuse he endures from her. Thus the "enabler" wife eventually assumes next the role of the "provoker".

The enabler will imprison him, keeping him away from his friends and family, even moving him often, usually to remote rural areas, far away from those who might help him. One addict complained his enabler wife moved him and their kids often and he disliked constantly moving but he allowed her this control over his life regardless. The enabler will also control the addict's money, income, ID, passports, education, knowledge of law, computer access, and even what TV shows and movies he watches in fear he might increase his confidence and be influenced to leave her.

The enabler will also use threats to keep the addict. These might include threats of:

-Suicide.
-Illness or hospitalization.
-Hurting him or herself or the kids.
-Leaving him.
-Taking off with his children (kidnapping).
-Preventing or controlling access to his kids.
-Placing his children in foster homes.
-Replacing him with a "better" husband/father for his kids.
-Lying to his kids (ie: "Dad does not love/want you.")
-Lying to him about what his kids feel (ie: "They will not want to come live with you.")
-Using his kids as a ploy to keep him (ie: "If you want your kids you must come back home to be with ME.")
-God, religion (ie: "God wants us together", "God wants... this/that.").
-Becoming a lesbian.
-Sexual obligations.
-Money obligations.
-Parental obligations.
-Calling him names.
-Making him feel selfish, guilty, and uncaring if he leaves her.
-Telling him he may as well remain with her because his new relationship with a new woman will only fail.
-Low self-esteem in herself, so he will be made to feel that they deserve each other, that he does not deserve someone better; such as another woman of higher standards. She might also call herself names such as "loser, ugly, pathetic, useless, stupid, nobody", etc.

Sadly, the addict might mistake and misinterpret these manipulative and desperate threats for control as being loved, wanted, and needed by the enabler.

One recovered alcoholic in his 70's said, "A marriage must be built on a strong foundation, otherwise it is destined for self-destruction. It is only a matter of time."

This is even more so if children are being raised in such a family. This cycle of abuse and addiction will most often continue into the children's future as well. The children will lack self-esteem and when they reach their teens they too might follow in their parents footsteps, either becoming an addict or an abuser, assuming it is the correct role of an adult. They too might turn to cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, theft, arguing with and swearing at their parents, and running away from home. Resentment will build up in them after witnessing the abuse between their parents; the addict and the enabler.

One addict's four children began experiencing problems when they neared their teen years such as crying often, low self-esteem, arguing and swearing at the mother (the enabler), taking off away from home to avoid her, getting low grades in school and then quitting school, stealing, doing drugs, getting arrested, and preferring to move far away from home to live with other adults rather than with her. She of course used these problems as a guilt threat to blame the addict for these problems saying it happened because he left her and the kids. The addict instead wisely realized, "Her ability to properly take care of the children is not there." Although sadly the threat and blame eventually worked and he returned to her.

The addict will reach a point when he cannot take anymore abuse and he will leave the enabler/abuser. Sometimes only in an effort to get attention from his abuser, hoping she will chase after him to show her love so the addict will feel assured she does love him. But when he finally realizes the truth, that the love is not real and the relationship was based on weakness, insecurities, control, and abuse, then he will resist returning. At this point the abuser will use more drastic threats and convincing manipulations to try to get the addict to return to her.

When the addict meets someone who sincerely loves him and offers him freedom, choice, true happiness, and real love, he will often doubt it and like one addict he will ask, "Why me? I don't deserve you. Why do you like me? What is there to like about me?" Since he has low self-esteem he will feel a good woman is too good for him. He will fear not being able to live up to her expectations. So he might run from real love.

One addict said, "I worry I will ruin us." and "I have a fear of love. Why do I fear love?". Him feeling this way is understandable because he had lived thru an abusive childhood and a 14 year marriage of control, manipulation, and abuse.

The addict might fear love so much that he might run from it even after expressing such feelings to his real love as this recovering addict said:

"You are my first real love."
"You are everything I have ever wanted in a woman."
"I have never been happier until now (that I've met you)."
"You saved my life!"
"You are my Guardian Angel."
"You are my only role-model."
"You are the one I want."
"I am going to make you my wife!"
"Home is where YOU are."
"Your ability to heal me is leaving me in awe."
"I realized that if after 37 years of hurt and not having true love in my life, she can heal me and pull me out of my addiction patterns (after only two months) then we together combined can do almost anything in healing my children when they get here. Because they are so much younger it will be fairly quick."

That addict left his abusive enabler wife and after 3 months away from her he missed his children so much that he was tempted to return to her and "suffer thru the marriage for the sake of my kids" so he could be with his kids again. But after meeting a woman who loved him sincerely and gave him real love he said to her, "You met me just in time!". For 4 months this new woman healed him of his addictions, gave him choices and freedom, and increased his confidence. After the first 2 months of his healing he had told his enabler wife he wanted a divorce and custody of his children. This enraged his enabler. In the 4th month of his healing his wife showed up in town with his children. He said she was using the children as a tool to convince him to return with her, so he chose to avoid her, deciding to see his children later on his own when he was ready and without his wife's influence. But one month later she showed up again and this time it worked. Upon seeing his children and her manipulation and promise that she will now try harder to love him, he chose to return with her so he could be with his children. He failed to recall his earlier words that he had already given her 14 years of marriage to change and she had not, and that after being together with his new woman for 5 months he had told his new woman, "I have no intention of ever returning to my ex (wife)". But possibly he was still fearful of divorce meaning "failure" rather than a door and opportunity to a new improved and better life. The new woman who he loved and left behind had noticed that when he left her to return with his wife that he smelled of marijuana, had that distant enstranged look in his eyes, and he behaved like a stranger, as though his wife had him drugged again. He also made many statements which showed he had given his enabler wife total control over him again.

Luckily, most addicts will eventually come to realization and enlightenment before it is too late. He will see that the paths and partner he chose had only led to destruction. He had assumed he had given up all of his choices to become the responsibility of his enabler where as he had actually chosen to, so he had in fact made choices after all. He had chosen to do his addictions, to give up his power to an enabler to control him, and to marry an inappropriate person to be his partner, wife, and mother of his children.

One addict said, "I am having a revelation on the true face of my addiction. I am realizing how my addiction had control over me." As for how he felt about his enabler wife, he said, "No more disrespecting soul-sucker. I need to let go of her idle threats so I don't give those threats power over me."

Having to make important choices in his life will be new, unknown, and possibly at times frightening to him, but he will now be willing to take such exciting risks rather than to continue the old pattern of a downward spiral of self-destruction. He will enjoy the feeling that freedom and choice gives him. He will no longer allow his enabler or any other person to control his life.

One addict said, "Death of (my ex's) power she held over my life. Death of the power that pot and alcohol held over my life. A new life begins and a change in me is here. Time will give me that power back. Time will heal me. (My ex) chose to manipulate my life and I chose to give her my power. She chose me because of my weakness."

Sadly some addicts might remain stubborn and refuse to change their path in life and will instead prefer their life of lies and denial, and so they will live a life full of regrets. As one recovered alcoholic in his 70's said, "Some never learn to change." But those who are wise will realize now it is time for them to make better choices.

One addict in his 60's was forced into recovery from marijuana, cocaine, and alcohol because of having to serve an 8 year jail sentence for dealing cocaine. He said, "The drugs had fogged my mind and I was in denial and lied to myself and those around me. After being off my addictions a whole new world opened up to me. I noticed great things I never saw before."

An addict in his 30's said, "My life is taking a new direction. Going on a different path than it was before. Soon a new voyage to a new destination."

Memory will also be restored. As one recovering addict said, "I am regaining all of my previously lost memory."

"The power that comes from being clean and healthy will be mine again!"

Real love and true happiness will give him a feeling of bliss and joy that no drug ever gave him. One addict said, "A true happy life is on it's way, a real deep down happy." Happiness will be real and sincere, unlike the false sense of happiness he felt thru his denial while on drugs or alcohol. As one addict put it, "No more lying to myself!".

"I have to be less selfish and give my new love what she needs to feel loved by me in return. So far life has been about what I want because of my addictions. Now things must balance out more so. With a lack of balance I feel my new relationship depends on primarily her love for me. I worry I will ruin us."

His fear of failure will be replaced with the realization that an effort to TRY TRY AGAIN always leads to eventual success.

"I will need strength and faith in myself to overcome the obstacles put before me and my new love."

When one addict told a man he met at a BBQ about his new love who was helping him heal from his addictions, the man informed him, "People who care and help others are rare in this world, so if someone throws you a life-line you reach out and grab it and hold on with both hands!"

After continuously choosing "The Fool" and "The Hanged Man" in his tarot card psychic readings, one recovering addict said to himself, "You've got the world. Don't be a fool and go backwards to where you were!"

In his new world of reality he will see joys he had blocked out before with his fantasy world of make-believe. By being in control of his life by making his own choices, and feeling strong, confident, happy, and loved he is now safe and so has no reason to put up a wall to protect himself from the world he had felt so uncertain about before.

He will now gain:

Respect
Jobs
Money
Success
Confidence
Better friends
Family
Real love
Health
Energy
Labito
Memory
Focus
Decrease in Mood Swings

It is important for the recovering addict to replace the desire for addictions with healthy alternatives, such as: real love, a better partner in life, better friends, self-esteem counselling and reading, AA meetings, exercise, healthy foods, meditation, hugs, kisses, and fun healthy entertainment.

One recovering addict said, "I need to tell everyone I know that I have quit pot and alcohol. This will develop my support. Cannot hang around people who don't support me quitting, until I grow enough to help them out of it."

One recovering addict wrote these helpful lists:

Advantages of Marijuana	Disadvantages of Marijuana
Focus on my artwork.	Health; Breathing.
Feels brain numbing.	Memory loss.
Socialize.	Selfishness.
Exercise is more fun.	Avoidance of human contact.
The world looks different.	Edgyness on come down.
More psychic.	Lots of money up in smoke.
Takes the edge off life.	Bad example for people around me.
Lots of cool people do it.	Loss of dreams.
Helps to forget the pain it takes to do artwork for hours & hours.	Scatter Brained.
Doesn't hurt the body.	Gateway for other things; Drugs & alcohol.
Helps me to excel at my art.	No reproduction for my new love. She will not have a baby with me. She will also be forced to leave me.
Look like a bit of a bad ass (attitude).	Keeps me from achieving.
	Withdrawals. Tiredness.
	Very grumpy.
	Pot pot ahead of all things. Eventually want more & more.
	My kids will follow my lead.
	Reputation as an artist will be very tarnished.
	Leads to gambling and the bar life.
	Can't work without it. Get too aggitated.
	Eventually even family will get tired of me.
	Brings emotional pain (arguments).

Advantages of Alcohol	Disadvantages of Alcohol
Feels good.	Sleep becomes dependant on drinking.
Make friends easily.	Loss of memory.
Everything is interesting.	Loss of money.
Frees my mind.	Family will get tired of me.
Takes the edge off.	Hangovers.
	Body gets old very fast.
	People take advantage.
	Never get to hold my head high. Always embarrassed.
	Fight with and push away the ones I love.
	Blackout when in excess.
	Smoke more pot and smokes.
	Loss of close friends.
	Lose all rights as a person, ie: license, homeowner, savings.
	Kids follow my example.
	Withdrawals get worse.

Healthy Alternatives

Love

Sports

Tennis

Golf

Weightlifting

Hiking

Running

Biking

Soccer

Boardgames

Watching movies

Eating

Walking

Camping

Badminton

Squash

Volleyball

Pool

Swimming

Yoga

Dancing

Long elevator rides with my new love.

You have the ability to change your future and shape your destiny; it is all in the choices YOU make today.
All you need is LOVE.
Copyright © November 26, 2010 Oracle Laura of AddictionRecoverySupport.blogspot.com

Contact me at OracleLaura.com

My Story-by Rob H.

My Addiction

What led to my addictions: I felt the loss of my family while I was still a part of my family. It added greatly to my addictions. My parents got divorced while I was very young. My new stepdad was physically and sexually abusive to me and my sister, and he liked beating on my mother. As a result I would run away from home and act out my anger as a gangster and crook. Other guys in the projects had similar situations going on in their lives. Together we young crooks made a family. By the age of 11, drugs, crime, and booze became a part of my daily life. This pattern continued until at the age of 41 years I finally found recovery and a solution. These are the things I had to go thru and put myself thru to find the solution and get me over those scars of my youth.

At what point did I realize I had hit rock bottom: I hit rock bottom a few times. In New York I had hit bottom putting drugs ahead of every possibility. I had to pay my rent and put it ahead of eating to the point where I found myself in the streets, which oddly enough made my addiction easier to obtain. I didn't have to worry about paying rent or maintaining my home. My only concern was my drug addiction and ripping off whoever I could rip off. And New York is the place for all that. The city does not sleep. And that's where I discovered crack. It took away all my pain. Luckily for me though, in my addiction on the streets that I had never used needles. That was only because when I was an early teenager I had all this surgery done in my mouth, I had eight teeth removed and had all these needles stuck in my mouth and I was scared of needles. If not for a fear of needles I would have been using them. And in New York in the 1980's was a hot bed for intervenous drug use and disease. And I'm the type of person who would have been sharing. I wouldn't be saying this story right now because I would have been dead along time ago; in the early 1990's. I started to use in '85. Around 1988 I made a trip back to Vancouver to get away from the drugs but the drugs were sitting there waiting for me. No solution, no way out, once again falling victim to drug use, more crime, hooked up with my crime buddies again. In '89 met a girl got her pregnant, and had a baby girl. My baby girl would play a significant role later in life to my recovery. I wanted a family. There was only so much love I could get from my crook buddies. I needed the touch of a woman, the love, waking up in the morning, looking in someone's eyes and know all she wants is happiness with you.

(soon I will add more about low points; crime, jail, deaths, using people, losing girlfriends, friends and family, overdoses, etc)

My recovery: Fast forward 20 years later, after a lifetime of drug use and incarceration of 2 1/2 years and 6 months of recovery houses, countless detoxes, nothing worked. About 3 Christmases ago, I went out for dimsum with my daughter and my mother. About 3 years to this day I asked my daughter what she wanted for her birthday and she told me, "A sober father". And I said to myself, "Fuck, she couldn't ask for a stereo?!". And that idea sounded pretty good to me, but how can I do this? I had to cut out everyone and everything out of my life that in any way shape or form resembled drugs, crime, or promoting in any way anything other than recovery. So I went to a recovery house in Surrey. Lasted two weeks because I was unhappy with their program and wanted to change it. I went back home but didn't give up, like I would have. I found another place, Miracle Valley in Mission. Went thru their program. Once again I wanted to change their program because it didn't suit me. Again months later I was asked to leave. Maybe recovery is not for me? Maybe I am better on my own? That led to another month of using. That led to a stroke that happened to the left side of my body. My foot, my knee, upper leg, my hand, arm, cheek, lip, were all effected as a result of my drug use. I used to run fast, now I can't even run two blocks. Every morning and throughout the day I am reminded of my drug addiction by my pain. My drug addiction had costed me a lifetime of  lifetimes and it almost killed me. I had an mri, catscan, ultrasound. There is a bloodclot in my head from a result of heavy druguse. If it didn't disappear in a month my condition might maintain like that. Here I am 2 years later and there has been no change in my pain, without body training. That stroke led me back into recovery. Not the loss of my family, the loss of my daughter, the loss of various jobs and oppotunity, the death of my father, nothing. No jail. It didn't matter. God hobbled me to wake me the fuck up and it worked. Mother fucker. (Plus I got diabetes.) I went to a recovery society called "It's Up To You".  Except this time I didn't try to change their program. I got involved in the structure of their home and prorgam. Not how me, Rob could change them but how I could get into it. I went to meetings, got donations for them, volunteered, Salvation Army, Food Bank, BC Lions tickets. (Want to go to a game? Give me a call.) Started with a meeting in Surrey. I didn't like the meeting so he told me to go to a church and start my own meeting. So I did, the next day. I went to the church down the street from the recovery house, and told the pastor, "My name is Rob and I go to the recovery house up the street. I want to start a meeting here". He said, "Really? I need the church painted". I returned with four guys from the recovery house and we painted his church.  Went back 3 days later and gave it another coat. Pastor looked at it and said "You got your NA meeting!".  That meeting is still operational now every Wednesday 7pm in Surrey called "Changing Ways". (Let me know if you want a brochure). Of course as you get more confident and stronger in your recovery you will start to look more presentable, look better, smell better, be more socially accepted, thus being more appealing to the opposite sex (or whatever your preferance...).And this is a difficult area in recovery because with love in early recovery there is a price.  I got involved with the women. Meetings going strong, going to meetings, house monitor, volunteering, etc but none of that will count for shit if you put a mate before your recovery. Without a spriritual awakening to answer to, relationships in recovery are doomed because you will treat women the same as you did during your addiction. They will only become a suppliment to your addiction. Right to the point of where you no longer even care about the house. The new guys coming in no longer matter, other than that woman. Then of vourse the manipulation, conniving ways come back because you'll do anything to keep that addiction, which is now that girl instead of drugs. Right to the point where she leaves. And it's just as bad as being without your heroin. Your body aches, your mind aches. No one can say anything to you. She won't talk to you. You'll be kicked out of your house. A buddy might let you into his house but he won't know what you went thru. You have direct deposit which is deposited into your account. It's a large cheque, because your on disability now for a stroke you had because of drug use. $500 dollars to spend on dope today.  But your supposed to work at 12 today at the recovery house. How am I going to go? Fuck them, fuck recovery. And fuck her too! Not to mention I had a 18 months cso which is a conditional sentence. I am caught after curfew which is 9:30. I go straight to Masqui prison which is for the remainder of my sentence which is another year. I spent the day using and partying with no spiritual solution, which was my only alternative. I came back home two days later, of course broke, rent money spent. The buddy I stayed with no longer wanted me to stay in his home. He kicked me out. Called the police to escort me out of his house. Luckily I had made other friends in NA from the result of the good I had done when I had followed the program earlier on. But I was only following parts of the program. I was given another opportunity. I decided to go thru the set of steps with a friend of mine who had been in recovery. AA set of steps. I was living in Coquitlam and commuting into Vancouver. I had the set of steps done in two weeks. And again back in service. It took another 90 days to get another service position but didn't have to wait 90 days to be of service. You can be of service in recovery on day one if you have the spiritual foundation required to do so. This is the most fucked up part of the story. Back in service, working the steps as designed by recovery, going to meetings, doing everything again, having had a psychic change, a change in my being. As a result of all that , the girl who had left me before decides I am again appealing. She comes back and of course without any spiritual solution same thing happened all over again. And again she leaves. Being in recovery also she is doing the things she feels she needs to do in her recovery. People in recovery dating really need to focus on whats right and whats right for them and not whats right and good for their partner until you've formed a structure and have a spiritual solution that can prepare you for eveything that may happen in your life. I got drunk one night because of it but came back to AA the next day. Again no spiritual solution. Still thinking I can run my own program. So now we're at May 2010. I see her at a meeting. A mutual friend is having a cake for her first year of recovery. She walks up to me and wants to talk. So I was nice but she kept texting me. I know something was up. There is a reason everyone in recovery does something. My motive was love. A week after the meeting she calls me. Tells me she's pregnant. I am the happiest guy in the world. I wanted that baby. I thought I loved this woman, but maybe I just loved the idea of having a faimly. So I'm on the top of the world for a week, but there was complicatons with this child, and of course fate plays it's hand. She loses the baby. Sometimes katekismic events like this bring people closer together, other times it can tear you right apart. After being in my head about her loss which tore us apart to where we no longer talked. Being in the head over the loss of the baby, I could not understand why God would bring her back into my life then take the baby away and her. I had so much comtempt for God. Spiritually bankrupt I spent another day using both alcohol and drugs. That was in September 2010. So coming back I sought those people who lived and worked in recovery who also had lives outside of recovery. Members of society. I had thrown myself into NA and AA and had no other life. What I needed and what the program tells you is that there is a spiritual solution. So I started surrounding myself with people who had years in recovery, who went thru similar things to what I had; losing jobs, homes, wives, etc, who were now strong in recovery, who could help me in recovery. Who could take me thru it and show me how to do recovery, not just take me to a meeting. Do you want someone to make dinner for you every night? Or show you HOW to make dinner? I started volunteering at Coastal Mental Health. People with multiple disorders and drug addictions. Coastal is about one block away from the Recovery Club. Alot of the clients there were intimidated by the AA and NA meetings up the street. The guys on the Harleys, nice cars, pretty girls, etc. Some of my friends in Coastal would make it to the meetings. Some of my friends in the meeting would never get asked to talk and share because if their looks or character. That bothered me. So I asked the facilitators if I could start a "Big Book" meeting there. I have a line by liner version of the Big Book. Six or 7 of us would meet every Thursday and we would read and every one felt a sense of participation. These are people no one would normally let share or would not share at Coastal. They were safe. I was working in the kitchen at Coastal and at Recovery Club and someone at Coastal said why not go back to school so you can get a job to get paid? So Dec 2010 I was attending church a minister there knows everything I had just told you. He welcomed me into that church and they let me volunteer at the church. I went to Native Education College (NEC) and they let me write a test, which if I passed I would be eligible to take their courses to graduate high school. They also told me about a Health Care Assistant course I could take. I failed the first test. I asked to take it again. They said I can try two more times to pass it. They gave me tutors. I took the test again and I passed it. I was so happy that fucking day. I had not done grade 10 math since 1982 until this day. As a result of passing the test, the first day of school would be January 5, 2011. Addressing the psychological and physical war on drugs within myself it had to be attacked on all fronts.  Smoking cigarettes is my number one health hazard. Every cig is 10 mins of my life wasted. If I smoke 20 cigs in one day that would be 200 mins of my life wasted that one day making me weaker, which is also $300 per month. Which is the final solution in recovery; complete withdrawal from all toxins in my body. I am 44 years old and done enough drugs to kill a small European country. Stopping drugs and booze brought me back to life, quitting smoking wil bring me back to life. December 26, 2010 I meet a spiritual Guide at a meeting. Not in recovery, but a Healer all the same. Giving me love, strength, and having tolerance for my shortcomings. Knowing exactly where I'm at in my recovery. Having the strength to put down the cigarette, together we enter into the year 2011. Jan 5, 2011 A great day in history. First day of school since 1984! Today is Feb 5th. Today is my 32 day without smoking, one month in school, zero absentees, B- in computer science, C- in math, B in psy, which is my strongest class. Recovery is not just about asking for help when you need it but giving thanks and helping everybody; not just those in recovery. Finding a blanace in life. Meetings and volunteering will not keep you sober, life still happens, you need to be prepared for that. Setting goals and striving towards those on a daily basis.  Being productive on a daily basis is the only recipe for success.

How recovery has changed my life: Today I can be counted on and trusted. I have a relationshop with my family. My daughter loves her father. A son I never talked to now has a relationship with me. I have opened doors. In addition I am going into areas that used to frighten me but I now have confidence to attempt the things I never would normally attempt; Music, career, schooling, being a father, finding my native roots which I used to be ashamed of. I got tired of seeing life go by and not be a part of it. It's nice to walk outside with your head held up high. I am started to feel more energy from not smoking for one month. Just ask my girlfriend. I am now also in a healthier relationship with a non addict, learning and wanting to listen, trying to understand and cater to her needs because I am no longer a greedy bastard, wanting to know her and listen to her, not wanting for any reason to give up.

I am lucky, my addiction didn't kill me. So I am choosing life.

Rob H.
recoveryblog@yahoo.com

Addiction Recovery

Welcome to Addiction Recovery and Support. Here you will find helpful articles, advice, and support from other addicts who share similar problems, abuse, patterns, and choices you have had in your life. Read what others share about their addictions and learn from their mistakes so you can find hope in your own life. Learn that your addictions were only an effort to block out what was really hurting you, that you need to dig deep to uncover and resolve the core issues that led to your addictions in order to stop the repeating patterns. Learn that "Progress, Not Perfection" is important. Find understanding, love, and compassion. For some people AA and NA meetings may complicate their lives more and possibly lead to relapses because of associating with (and dating) other addicts, so finding help online and having someone supportive to call or email or blog with can sometimes offer a good alternative to meetings. May you find the help you need. Never give up. If you take one step back, simply take two steps forward and try, try again. All it takes is to be ready and willing.

Oracle Laura
oraclelaura@yahoo.com